One of the questions I have dreaded for the last four years is, “Do you have kids?”
One of the questions I have dreaded for the last four years is, “Do you have kids?”
Before my son Dan died I would proudly say, I do. I’ve got two boys. After his death I didn’t go out much so I didn’t have to worry. When I started creeping back into the real world and someone asked the inevitable, I would gulp and almost inaudibly say, yes. But then the follow up questions were even worse.
“How many do you have?” “What do they do?”
How many was the challenge, but sometimes I could skip that one and go right into “and what do they do.” Often I’d elaborate more than I needed to about my older son hoping that could end the exchange. But some folks persisted and when that happened and I said two and they followed up with what does the other one do, I’d have to say we lost him. This always sounded to me like I was negligent in Stop & Shop and he might still be somewhere in aisle five. But if I said he died or he’s dead they’d get so embarrassed and speechless and then they’d start apologizing.
“I am so, so sorry,” they’d say. Then I’d say, “it’s okay,” which is really ridiculous because of course it’s not okay. It’s okay that they didn’t know and by mistake they found out, and it’s certainly okay that they asked. But when I say it’s okay it sounds as if I’m saying his death is okay. And if I try to explain the possible meanings of all the different okays we could end up doing a Monty Python sketch and I never really liked those sick jokes. If I start crying, which invariably I do, I make them feel even worse. These people just want to connect, and it’s a perfectly legitimate opener to a conversation. “Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have kids? How many?”
My truthful answer knocks the wind out of them, and I end up taking care of them.
I met someone last winter who in the first few minutes of our introduction told me about her 26 year old who had a fatal heart attack and that the autopsy showed he had a congenital heart disease that they had never known about. She began to weep and I held her. But while I was holding her I was thinking, so when do I throw in my bit? I can’t sound like we’re in a competition (oh yeah, we lost one, too). But if I say nothing and later it comes out, she might feel really weird.
Mostly, after someone has asked and I have managed to calm them down, I launch into one of my stock Dan stories. I say in my most cheerful voice, “Dan was really funny. There was this one time I stood at the end of his bed and I said, ‘good night o king of kings,’ and I bowed. And then I said, ‘good night o lord of lords,’ and I bowed again. And there was this pause, because his mind from the MS had gotten slower, but he still came up with a winner. He said, ‘good night o fruit of loops.’”
They always laugh and are comfortable again, and I feel a little bit better too. So the next time someone asks me how many kids I have, I’m gonna answer loud and clear, “Two, but one died. And that kid was so funny.”
Nancy Slonim Aronie is the author of Writing from the Heart (Hyperion) and the founder of the Chilmark Writing Workshop on Martha’s Vineyard.
Comments
Oh thank you Nancy! I love
Liz Abrams-MorleyOh thank you Nancy! I love this piece. You know I relate. I am speechless with appreciation for you and your writing.
Thank you for always helping
Lauren GiglioThank you for always helping with your laughter - LOVE your writing and humor!
This is beautiful.
Merissa Oakland, CAThis is beautiful.
It is a rare writer who can
Jane Lancellotti Wilton, CTIt is a rare writer who can hold so much feeling, the love, the sorrow, and leave us laughing. Truly, Dan came by his humor honestly.
Completely agree with this
Judith Kampmann Hackettstown, NJCompletely agree with this comment. Nancy, Queen of All Fruit Loops, you are the best.
I love you love you love you.
Becky Robbins San Diego, CAI love you love you love you.
Oh Nancy... You are amazing.
Jane Klein Powell Orlando, FLOh Nancy... You are amazing..Beautiful piece. Spot on as usual!
Family is about never having
Barbara Aronie McPhersonFamily is about never having to explain - always remember that with LOVE!
Nancy is so on the mark.
Susan Melzmuf MIddlefield, CTNancy is so on the mark. Whenever someone asks me ( and you're right, they do and they always will, although I no longer ask them so I can avoid the answer) I tell them I have my Mallory who is 28 and my daughter Erin, who would have been 33. Then I wait to see who get's it, and take it from there. I will never say I have one child. I just can't. But thanks to your article I now see I will have to dig up something funny she might have said and close with that. Ah, but I do miss talking about her....
What a gem, you are.
Lara O'Brien MVWhat a gem, you are.
You are a translator of all
Rebekah Marthas vineyardYou are a translator of all things. Some things so heavy they feel to crush us, until you make it somehow float on the wings of humanism's that are so hard to find in words. You are a gift to all that look toward to your next piece... Thank you for you words.
you are really amazing ..love
bonnie west tisburyyou are really amazing ..love you so …
It has been so amazing
Louise Sweet Cardellino Martha's Vineyard, MAIt has been so amazing knowing you and your family of four for so many years... I always see four!
I love how you keep us all so close to your heart. And we all can cry and laugh and love that we are doing that. Love you!
Beautiful piece mom. I was
Josh Aronie West TisburyBeautiful piece mom. I was just thinking about Dan. Trying to explain to Eli that he shares his name with his uncle. I can't believe it will be five years this January.
What a lovely story. How
Alfred Glover CharlotteWhat a lovely story. How blessed we are to have spent time with Little angels.
You just reached out and
Debbie West TisburyYou just reached out and grabbed my heart, o, beautiful Fruit Loop you.
Dear Nancy,
Roz Glazer MenemshaDear Nancy,
Once again you transcend the anguish with your unique goodness. Dan remains with you, always will, along with those of us who remember him and his smile.
Nancy it's people like you
Jan Nouss Lighthouse Pointt, FLNancy it's people like you that make MV a treasure chest.
So beautifully written.
Megan Lait San Carlos, CASo beautifully written.
Thank you. Beautiful - so
Nancy Noble Gardner Slingerlands, NYThank you. Beautiful - so full of life.
To One Of God's Chosen Angels
Pamela Jacqueline Friedman Long Island New York [email protected]To One Of God's Chosen Angels - "When Your Strength Is Gone Without A Trace, You Have Reached The Point Of Grace" --- The Unspeakable Vocabulary Of Sorrow
Nancy I miss you and the
Jeanette Demeestère Paris, FranceNancy I miss you and the Vineyard. You are so full of LIFE & LOVE!
I too am a mother of two boys
Doug's Mom WH ConnecticutI too am a mother of two boys. I lost one to cancer at age 17. When asked the question -- I answer "I have two sons"....
and yes, the truthful answer does "knock the wind out of them." But to not answer honestly .....not an option. Lucky Eli to carry on
his uncle's name/memory.
Indubitably!!
Erin Slossberg Vineyard havenIndubitably!!
Nancy - thank you for this
Berri GerjuoyNancy - thank you for this precise and moving description of the day to day reminders of lost loved ones, which can make "normal" situations and questions so difficult.
Oh Nancy! Oh Fruit of Loops.
Betsy Shands Tisbury, MAOh Nancy! Oh Fruit of Loops. You got me laughing and crying at the same time. I too have two sons. I have them both still and I don't know if I would rise from the ashes of losing one. Fortunately they are here and they are fine and they have given me a grand child each. I count my blessings every day. I knew Dan, living right next door to him when he was in body. I know he is still alive, I can feel him whenever I tune into him. His humor still rings throughout my mind and especially in my heart. He was a gift, a giant goofy, lovable gift. I count my blessings almost very day that I got to share in his time here on Earth. Thank you brave and vulnerable and regal Fruit of Loops.
You are special beyond words.
Amy ColoradoYou are special beyond words.
Thank, thank you, thank you!!
Oh Nancy. Oh Fruit of Loops.
Betsy Shands Tisbury, MAOh Nancy. Oh Fruit of Loops. I too am a mother of two sons. They are still alive and they are well and they have given me a grand child each. And I count my blessings every day.I don't know if I would rise from the ashes of losing one of them. I knew Dan when he was in body, living right next door to me. I feel him still every time I tune into him. His presence is tangible. His humor rings through my thoughts and especially my heart, my whole being even, welling up in joy and magic and the unexpected. He was indeed a great gift. And I count my blessings almost every day for having known him when he was here. Thank you brave and vulnerable and regal Fruit of Loops. Thank you.for your giant heart and for sharing it so royally.
What I love most about you in
Portland Helmich Concord, MAWhat I love most about you in person is what I love most about your writing. You're so unapologetically authentic, Nancy Aronie. You tell it like it is, and your writing does the same. Reading your words is like curling up on a comfy sofa with a cup of tea with a good friend--one who isn't afraid to speak straight from the heart. Dan was lucky to have you as his Mom.
You are a beautiful and
David Roth Orleans, MAYou are a beautiful and powerful soul.
How about,
Martha Magee In My HeartHow about,
" I have two sons. One on Earth, and one in Heaven. ."
xo
i love how simple you make it
Chris east bridgewater,mai love how simple you make it & I will use your words from now on & say I have 3 girls 2 on earth & 1 in heaven.
Thanks you!
such a lovely photo of Dan. I
fae kontje-gibbs vineyard havensuch a lovely photo of Dan. I miss him sorely and hear his voice, your voice, our voices in your piece. "O Fruit of Loops...." killer. Thank you Nancy for keeping him alive in your stories of him. He used to fix me with his eye when I'd come blowing in and in a pointedly measured way say "Slow down, turbo...." Good advice that continues to ring in my heart and ear. Dan. Thank you Nancy. Great piece.
I liked the picture of Dan.
Ellen Saltzman NYI liked the picture of Dan. He looks like he understood water very well. My love to you.
Writing from the heart means
John Zeisel Manchester, UKWriting from the heart means putting in words what can't be put in words--it's not the words that convey meaning but the spaces between them--the silent thoughts behind what's written--and you express all those so eloquently and it--the silence we all hold so closely.
Oh Nancy, how sweet. And sad.
Kim Markesich ConnecticutOh Nancy, how sweet. And sad. But what a lovely photo of Dan. xxoo Kim
Hi nancy, I love this story.
Corinne de palma New YorkHi nancy, I love this story. I don't ever use the words: died. I say "passed," and I know people think I'm weird because when I say this I sound like I'm denying death, but the truth is I'm not. Animals are especially tuned into the spirit world and I try to remember especially when I put my last dog down, that her passing -because she was so in tune with the other world- like all animals, wasn't as catastrophic to her as it was to me. It sounds like given DAn's obvious spirituality maybe his passing wasn't either. Maybe you can hold on to this. I'll pray for your healing!
Corinne de Palma
HI fruit loops!.I miss you .
Maureen Ferry Sugar loaf New York , formerly NYCHI fruit loops!.I miss you . I have worked with so many people with disabilities over the years , butI still cannot know what it's like to feel a MoM's pain . Or do I? Many years ago , I was asked to photograph a wedding. Being an Irish Catholic myself I knew what to expect . a large family. I had just assembled everybody for the family shot . I was working in a halfway -house at the time ( doing some photography on the side ). The mother of the bride said "you are so good with kids,how many do you have ?I answered too quickly "23". The worst picture I ever took and saved . The parent's jaws were on the floor. I took a few days off. and now about 23 years later ,I take a few days off and write a memoir. Thank you so much FRuit Loops for opening the door for me . You have shown me that it is O.K to share pain and laughter . But most of all that gifts are to shared and because of you and Dan , many stories that would have never been told will be not only be shared but honored as well .
Special thanks to all the Aronie's
Till WE Meet Again
Peace
maureen
Great piece, oh Fruit of
cindy cole hartford, ctGreat piece, oh Fruit of Loops. What a stunning photo of beautiful Danny.xx
Nancy, Your story swept me
Susan Block West Hartford, CtNancy, Your story swept me away into a memory of Dan as 'motorcycle man'…Oh, how he loved
motorcycles…West Hartford…North Main Street home. It was such a vivid recall. My
Aunt Faye and you are the only ones to call me 'Suzala'…I love you.
Miss you Nancy, and Daniel as
Mark Plummer NYCMiss you Nancy, and Daniel as well. What a blessing to have had the opportunity to know you both: two wise and very evolved souls. Thank you dear one. Thank you so much! Be well!
I love the way you truly get
Susan West TisburyI love the way you truly get to the heart of the matter. When I read your writing I feel like I am living inside your head. So nice to feel close to you through your writing. That's your gift.
I am sharing this beautiful
Sarah Wenig BostonI am sharing this beautiful piece of writing with an organization called Mothers for Justice and Equality which is made up of mother's who have lost children to gun violence in Boston. They will be happy to know your are out there, Nancy. And if anyone wants to support that group, they are on Facebook and have a web site. All mother's who have lost children have a common bond regardless of circumstances.
I am there because you are
Betty Friedman Simsbury, CTI am there because you are there. There is no one else I know who can say it like you do. Love to you Nance.
Nancy: So powerful. Such a
Patrice Fitzgerald West Hartford CTNancy: So powerful. Such a wonderful tribute to the strength of your love for Dan, and his for you. It reminds me of the video you did while he was still here with us: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TRTP2RpYAkQ
Wonderful seeing you.
Oh Nancy… how I love and
Tina Klonaris-Robinson Nassau, BahamasOh Nancy… how I love and appreciate this beautiful expression!!! Brought tears to my eyes, a smile to my face and touched my heart in such a beautiful, special way! I can relate on so many levels. Thank you…. hugs and so much love!!!!
Beautiful picture-so much
Jan Gifford Concord, MABeautiful picture-so much personality in a profile. I love the fact that Eli carries his uncle's name. Precious from your son Josh.
Nancy, you are an amazing gem
Joanne Peterson Raynham MassachusettsNancy, you are an amazing gem on this earth. I can't wait to one day attend one of your workshops again I will never forget it. You are so special.......
Love Joanne
Hi Nancy,
Gloria (Moskowitz) Fischel Cherry Hill, NJHi Nancy,
Last week I was the one to ask the question "Do you have children" The woman answered that she had two children. She told me a bit about her daughter and then told me that their son died 6 years ago from leukemia. She spoke right over my "I'm sorry" to tell me about his achievements in life and his fight and the support they received along their journey of medical treatments and about the foundation they have started in his name. When we parted we were both glad I had asked. She because she was able to tell someone new about the wonderful person her son was and me because I was able to meet and appreciate him through her narration. Keep telling Dan stories.
Dear fruit loops Thanks for
carol bloomfield Worcester maDear fruit loops Thanks for making me laugh it's amazing how you do that in the face of such pain His picture reminds me of Martin here around the mouth a little right? He looks so peaceful ...I think it's because he knew how much he was loved ......I hope you are well I
think of you often with love, warmth and gratitude
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