Charlie Shipway

Fearing the Dark but Not Turning Away

Maxine Kumin, the poet, died a little more than a year ago and left behind a collection of poetry that any of us can sit down and read.

Maxine Kumin, the poet, died a little more than a year ago and left behind a collection of poetry that any of us can sit down and read, as well as understand.

One poem, Death, Etc., stands out because I heard her read it some years ago at a literary seminar in Key West and was moved by how accessible it was, how poignant, how true.

The poem is a reminiscence of a woman’s life, a collection of years, of rescue dogs, the growth of a tree and family photos that served to remind her of the passing of time along with what she knew was inevitable. The absence of what has not yet happened is the power in the poem. It was the poet’s tale, but she wrote it for all of us.

The last two paragraphs talk about “our imagined deaths” and how we “go forward stumbling, afraid of the dark, of the cold, and of the great overwhelming loneliness of being last.”

When I heard her reading the last few lines in a small auditorium, I was sitting next to my husband and knew the poet was incredibly gifted to evoke the very same feeling in me that drove her to compose a poem with such brutal truth aimed right at my heart. She said what she did without flinching. I said nothing to my husband and was quiet on our walk home. I didn’t ask if he liked her poetry. I decided to savor our walk as we inhaled the fragrant night-blooming jasmine. I knew the poem had touched him as well, as each of us must have thought which of us would experience “the overwhelming loneliness of being last.” I thought it best to allow a scab to form over Maxine’s poem and not mess with it.

Several short years later in the very town where we first heard the poem, we learned that my husband most likely had an illness not yet defined, but one that was clearly deadly. We were suddenly in the grip of what felt like a snake bite that had struck us both from inside the shrubbery of the white picket fence surrounding our home. Nothing would be safe again. The picket fence was worthless.

I wanted to go to sleep and awaken in another place, another world, where he was going to the gym and riding his falling-apart bike. I wanted to go to the movies, return to that Cuban restaurant we liked, walk along the waterfront looking at boats with no knowledge of what we now knew. We had bitten into the apple and it was bitter.

That place where people do those things, the ordinary things, no longer belonged to us. We had entered a new realm, a place of frightening wonder with corridors of bald children being pushed in strollers by their parents, depleted people slumped in their chairs awaiting their turn to be called for another test, another blood letting, another anything that made them feel like perhaps there was a kernel of hope. That was it; that was the hook. All any of us there wanted was the illusion of hope. We all, every one of us, wanted yesterday. Tomorrow we all knew was a lousy second act. We were smart, only wanting a one-act play, but life rarely grants wishes of the kind that all the forlorn sitting in those neutral-colored hospital chairs were making deals to obtain.

My husband died in June a couple of years ago, right around the summer solstice. He loved summer so he could sail and I loved to stand on our front porch and watch the small Herreshoffs racing in the distance on Menemsha Pond. I recalled the last time we sailed together and how we talked about doing it again “soon.” Soon never came.

A couple of years have almost passed but there’s still that hollow. I didn’t just lose him. I lost us.

Roseline Glazer is a seasonal resident of Chilmark.

Comments

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/19/2015 - 19:19

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Diane Keller

This is so lovely and poignant. I could feel what was in your heart.

Rosalyn Markovitz Pittsburgh,PA

Roz sums up the loneliness of being the last of any couple. She is a gifted writer and wonderful cousin and friend. We share much history on this journey of life. I just received this article so it is a year later and now I share with her the loss of my dear husband. Her words give me comfort. June 28,2016 2:00pm.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Fri, 06/19/2015 - 19:37

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Jane Lancellotti Aquinnah

Thank you for publishing this beautiful piece. I hope that the courage it took to write it will be its own form of solace.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sat, 06/20/2015 - 10:25

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Chris Murphy Aquinnah

Thank you for giving voice to what we will all inevitably experience in such a loving and honest way.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 06/21/2015 - 14:01

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Robert Beloin New Haven, CT

“Something that is yours forever is never precious”
― Chaim Potok, My Name Is Asher Lev

For many years, what you and Bill had was very precious. Thanks for honoring him and all that you so beautifully shared together.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 06/22/2015 - 08:21

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Carole Anne Branford, CT

This was absolutely beautiful and moving and knowing the incredible, loving life you and Bill shared made it even more poignant.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 06/23/2015 - 12:35

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GIII Gay Head

Having lived more than half a century, I often find myself wondering who will be last? I too have been blessed with a wonderful spouse and knowing one of us will leave the other first, stirs a sorrow deep inside my soul. Reading your piece reminds me that we all need to cherish "today", knowing full well there will be a time when we yearn for yesterday. Thank you for such a beautiful piece.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Tue, 06/23/2015 - 17:38

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Judy Silverman Guilford, CT

Beautifully written and a reminder of swiftly and slowly time passes. Sometimes it hurts to see the peonies and roses come and go, wanting to hold them in our hearts and our arms just a little bit longer. Still, we can hold Bill's memory in our hearts and continue to love him for as long as we live.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Wed, 06/24/2015 - 11:04

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Janet Norton Edgartown

It is so hard to believe that Bill has been gone from us for 2 years --He was one of the kindest most gentle men I ever knew and I miss him every day but I know that he is up there looking down on all of us that he left behind and smiling and telling us all to remember him and all the good advice and encouragement that he gave us . Rest in peace old friend

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Sun, 07/12/2015 - 22:52

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Jacob Glazer Brooklyn, NY

I think the essential point in the poem, and in your piece, is that one dreads the experience of 'being last' only because one has been in a loving relationship. When one is young, or has never experienced a truly loving relationship, its not a reality. Only the 'privileged' can understand this. And if you think of it this way, we are fortunate. Its a bitter sweet, yes.

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 09/11/2017 - 12:47

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Nancy aronie Chilmark

Row, this was absolutely beautiful!! Thankyou for your wise words and huge heart!❣nancy

Submitted by Anonymous (not verified) on Mon, 08/19/2019 - 10:52

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Theresa Stengel Lancaster, Pa

Twenty some years ago, without knowing you, I saved an article from AD with pictures of you and your cottage and placed it in my dream book. I have always longed for a seaside retreat. Your design reflected your countanence in that photo - peaceful and welcoming.
This past weekend a friend visited MV - it reminded me of my dream to one day create the retreat you and your husband envisioned.

I found you article in rereading the AD (updated) article. Then I found your stories!!

Perhaps it was never the cottage I was seeking, but the relationships that clearly surrounded and inhabited it without being photographed. The love of husband and wife. The longing fulfilled by that one OTHER that none can replace.

Well, that I did find and am reminded how short our time together is by your thoughtful remembrance of your husband.

Thank you, for quietly, peacefully and gently reminding me what truly matters in this life. Blessings to you and yours in your time of loss.

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